jessalove

this is so weird. i was just reading lj entries from senior year. so weird. im glad i have them to look back on but still. so weird. i duno i like avoid writing in this thing lately, i duno why, i like the image of myself from the high school lj's. i dont wanna ruin it. and i feel like its not cool to stalk lj all the time like it was in hs so no one will really read this..maybe lisa, hi lisa! i miss u...
i was just reading the entries about james, hi james, if u read this, i just imed u cuz i really wanna talk to u right now after reading that. what a cute couple we were.. :) i miss ur james blue car that u never let me drive. lol high school was a blast. i cant believe im halfway done with college. i love school, i wanna be in classes always. i bought a new school bag and its nice and the thought of books in it and going to classes with it makes me so happy. and i have to stop shopping at american eagle. my credit limit went up a lot tho so i think its fine. but its not cuzi cant pay it. im gonna try and sort of bar tend at school tho for some money.
theres this ad for 3D chat next to this box im typing in and the animatronic girl is sooooo gorgeous, wow, like amazing haircut and highlights and makeup and shirt... wow
anyyyyway im so anxious for school, i cant wait to dance again, i feel like im suffocating without the dance in my life. and i cant wait to live alone for the first time for real with no dorms, just a house of girls. my bedding is soooo shabby chic and nice ah i cant wait to snuggle with lee. oh yeah thats my new beaux..hes amazing, i never thought..i dont even wanna talk about it, its so mature and we're so happy, and i think its a wonderful thing. i cant wait to go to school so that we can practically live together, cuz hes in staten island and its soo difficult to see him tho when i do its totally amazing..butt yeah schools gonna be fab, me , lee, jetta, the dance, and school. sounds good to me!
my internship this summer at redbook's fashion department has certainly taught me a lot and turned me into quite the fashionista. its been some rough days, one more week thank goodness. but i looove my other intern nebraska. nicknamed nebraska bc of her hometown, and i will miss her terribly :(
and i miss lisa, shes in kansas, can u believe that, i need to like sit with her and talk for hours and then listen for hours...its about that time. well way past that time actually. long overdue. wow i know so many people who are all over the country right now lol.
oh and before falling for someone make sure they have the same phone plan as u. lol if u can help it, it helps!

hahah sir charge is on tv.

goodnite <3

hey lj people.. so much has happened since that last entry i wrote, wow. i was all into taye taye, who by the way isnt taye at all. hes benny. looks like taye, sounds like taye, but actually not a good perosn lol. anyway that was like a 2 week fun thing that went uphill and then down really fast, but im glad, not worth it. and then something randomly sparked with a friend and now im like in a thing, nothing official just yet, but hes amazing. in chile for a month performing, but absence makes the heart grow fonder, and if mine grows any more fonder, damn, thats way fond.. lol but im going to florida tomorrow im SO excited. im traveling with anja to see our lehna and its gonna be wonnderrrfulllll<3 and then when i get back ill be interning at redbook mag for fashion 2 days a week, working at gap 3 days a week and i have a weekend too. and my bec from bing is gonna be living here for the summer so that freakin rocks. and im gonna take dance classes, andd see shows, and see bryant park stuff with anj, and yeah i think itll be good.. im excited for the fall too, to live in this amazing house we got with some awesome girls..and the boy lives like down the block, its gonna be so nice, and i cant wait for the classes, i love them in the fall, everythings so fresh lol.. yeah u kno what i mean. oh and im gonna choreograph for cdt again most likely and i think im gonna do ballet to part of ur world from lil mermaid, but for a jazz dance i need a song. like still rock n roll to me was so good to choreograph to, i need a song that can inspire me like that, so leave some ideas if u have any. ok. goodnite moon.

my danceeee :)

Go to your Calendar and find the first entry for each month of 2006. Post the first few sentences of it in your journal, and that's your year in review. (stolen from lisa who stole it from caroline who stole it from alli kelly.)and i have no idea who those ppl are besides lisa lol..


January
It is so strange being home. I'm craving to go back to school yet dreading leaving. Hating my parents for what they are doing yet loving them so much it kills me to think of how hard this is on them.

March
BORED in binghamton... savveeee me...!!!!!!!!!!!

April
Its almost 1am. almost 1am and 2 minutes and 3 seconds aka 01:02:03 04/05/06. haha thank u lisa, i am continually amused.

May
RYAN(12:56:33 AM): i may not be perfect but i love you

August
I cant believe summer is almost over, it went so fast, and so did freshman year. I feel like Im gonna hate not being a freshman, it was a nice label lol.

September
The 50 Question Girl Survey

1. How many pairs of shoes do you have? maybe thirty something?..hey its a lot of old navy flip flops that you have to buy in twos because u get a discount!

November
soooooo freakin excited to go home...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

December
I'm really mad. My old dance teacher saw me the other day and he was like "Oh Jessica! I've been thinking about you, come talk to me after."


okay and the procrastination continues..

I'm really mad. My old dance teacher saw me the other day and he was like "Oh Jessica! I've been thinking about you, come talk to me after." So I went and he asked me to perform as a dancer in an Opera in this theater that is like the best most prestigious theater in the Southern Tier, which is like Binghamton and more. And hes like oh you'd be terrific and yada yada yada, and I was so excited. And then I look at the schedules.
This is the sched for the opera dance:
Friday January 19 12-6 BU FINE ARTS 104 (DANCE STUDIO)
Saturday January 20 12-6 BU FINE ARTS 104 (DANCE STUDIO)
Sunday January 21 12-6 BU FINE ARTS 104 (DANCE STUDIO)
Monday January 22 7-10 BU FINE ARTS 104 (DANCE STUDIO)
Tuesday January 23 7-10 BU FINE ARTS 104 (DANCE STUDIO)
Wednesday January 24 7-10 BU FINE ARTS 104 (DANCE STUDIO)
Thursday January 25 7-10 BU FINE ARTS 104 (DANCE STUDIO)
Friday January 26 7-10 BU FINE ARTS 104 (DANCE STUDIO)
Saturday January 27 TECH ALL DAY FORUM THEATER
Sunday January 28 TECH ALL DAY FORUM THEATER
Monday January 29 TECH 6-11 FORUM THEATER
Tuesday January 30 TECH 6-11 FORUM THEATER
Wednesday January 31 TECH 6-11 FORUM THEATER
Thursday February 1 PREVIEW 6-11 FORUM THEATER
Friday February 2 OPENING 6-11 FORUM THEATER
Saturday February 3 SHOW 6-11 FORUM THEATER
Sunday February 4 SHOW 6-11 FORUM THEATER

And I am also on the dance team so I would be missing lots of games as well as practices where we learn the dances so I'd be really behind. Then I'm also choreographing for dance theater and those rehearsals are at 7 mondays and wednesdays. And the shows start when tech week for dance theater start, it doesnt overlap with times but you get the idea.

Ugh so anyway, I feel like it could work if I really busted my ass and begged my coach and coordinator of the 2 things Im in already but I dont think I should because I feel like I made a commitment and I should stick to it, even though I REALLY want to do this, and I want my parents to see me being a professional, ughhhhhhhhhhhh..

Anyway, in other news, last day of class was yesterday, nice feeling, though I do get sad when things end I must say. Weather.com says right now it is 17 degrees and feels like 1 degree. hahaha that made me laugh. Today I'm gonna study for finals some and then me and Ryan are going to see The Holiday, I'm vuury excited. Ah I need to get outta here.

PS Ryan if you are reading this and read the last entry I don't hate you, I just don't like when you read this. k shmoopie? lol seinfeld. ok love u bye.

But really I feel like I did something to him that I didnt need to, and now that its happened I feel retarded about it and am suffering the consequences via AIM everyday. Because ry is just the epitome of perfect for me and i never thought i could love anyone so much and i really do. its like how i feel about the movie elf. sort of.

Anyway last night I realized I don't like a lot students here, or just people around my age, my cohorts I guess you can say, I don't really like them in this world. They just are very predictable and annoying and think they are so great and just sincerely sincerely bother me. So I'm not nice to them anymore. Oh well, kweenz, what can ya do.

I cannot wait to go to the city<33 rent with ryan!, les miz, and spring awakening are on the list. lets see what happens lol

*kiss me its beginning to snow*

soooooo freakin excited to go home...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!








ryan if ur reading this again, i hate you.

I MISS XANGA!!!!!!!

Sunday, March 21, 2004

hey guyss its me jess.. im with lisa and andrea right now and we just had the most amazing nighttt,,herrrrrrrrrrrrrres andrea...!!

Thanks jess. Or shall i say jesse spano,u no its kinda funy that u go to bayside high. it would b even funnier if u had a bf named ac,but u dont and u dont go to bayside high,new subject- dont u hate it wh u make a misake nd u have to dlete the wole word to fix it,me too. rite now its around 2:48 pm,dont u hate when people say "round" like 3:06,who dos that,if its around a time its either 3:00 or 3:15,not 3:06! jees, and another thing,when people say jees re they referig to jesus or like gee whiz. and another thing, a lot o things piss me off, i think i need a stress ball,those things are fun,one time i had a neon necklace and it broke and silt all over me and we shut off the lights and i glowed like alex mack.Tangents are fun,back to u jess 2 the studio!

hey guys its me jess.. thanks for that random randomness! yea ok so tonite we get to wicked and the whole cast is presently present.. and i bought my 3 cds and defy gravity shirt which im wearing as i type andd idina was sooooooooo amazing! there was mucho crying during im not that girl/defying gravity and major flippingoutness..yea soo after the show there was an auction for a painting and then they are like ok so u can also get a kiss from dorothys daughter and then liza minelli comes out!! and then her and joel gray start singing that cabaret song wilkomen..yea it was crazyness and the thing wound up being like 5000..then we saw idina after and she was oh so pretty and she drove away and we chased her car kinda and we waved and she waved it was cute.. and shes going home to taye to sing so beautiful to him.. wow what a marriage...then we chizzled in penn for a bit and then came back herr.. hmm anything else i forgot? herrrrresss lisaaaaa...!

hey guyyys, we had the best time tonite omggg it was soo awesome, so yea the more u see that show the better it gets, if thats possible, i was kinda disappointed that we didn't get to talk to idina but we saw her gettin into her car and she waved to us, omg she has the nicest highlights lol! ughh i love her soo much, me and jess were like cutting off our circulation during defying gravity omg i was like shaking omg she is so luky to have taye he's so gorgeous!!!... so yea its round 2:57 rite now (lol andrea) and we're rly hyper soooooooo im gonna go eat more chips, herrrrrrrrrrrrre's jess!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hey guys its me again..miss me much? mhmm 'no need to respond that was rhetorical' hehe kristen was sooo funny omg that girl is the cutest talent ever...aw idina..much heartnessssssss...her cd is really gooood.. its all 'all the kings horses and all the kings men couldnt put us back together again' oh yes thats for u mista mista.. aww wicked! it really couldnt have been better! ' i couldnt be happier!' like this time was like 10 times better than time #1 and after seeing wicked in second row u dont think that possible but ohh yes it was.. and liza walks out haha randomm much? anyways yea woww..so so far according to lisa and andrea i look like nelly futado-penelope cruz-idina menzel<3-the pilates video lady-and anne hatahaway haha..um i had something to say but i started singing jessica simpson so i cant remember.. ohh jess..

this is jessica signing off now.. good night! (morning..) <333



we were just so cute lol

REVEAL A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF:


NOW


Is your hair up?: yes messy bun way up there
Is your phone right beside you?: yess..
Do you have a bf/ gf?: yes
Do you wish you were somewhere else?: in 11360!
Do you have plans for tonight?: dinner with mom and ryan
Are you wearing makeup?: no
Are you wearing chapstick?: no
Are you cold?: hot
Are you tired?: no
Are you excited?: no
Are you watching t.v.?: no
Are you wearing pajamas?: yes
Who's the last person you IMed? jess rubin
Who's the last person that called you? ryan

PAST


Anything you regret? nope
Ever lied?: yeah
Ever stuck gum under a desk?: like once and i feel bad
Ever spit at someone? noo
Ever kick something living?: ive kicked some people
Ever had your nails done?: yes
Ever thrown up because you cried so hard?: no


LAST WEEK


Had any plans last week?: yes lots of school and dancing and anniversaryness
Who did you see most last week?: ryan and nadeska and michelle and someones texts
Was last week interesting? interesting yes

TODAY


Have you cussed?: no
Have you yelled at someone? i think ryan cuz he claimed i wasnt talking on the phone when i was
Have you gotten mad at someone? see above
Have you cried? not yet
Have you called more than 3 people?: no
Have you IMed more than 3 people?: no
Have you eaten anything gross? i had a onion roll for breakfast, it was real good

SPILL YOUR GUTS


Q. First thing you did this morning?
woke up, rubbed my back, peed, talked about my bad dreams

Q. Last thing you ate?:
orbit bubble

Q. What's something you look forward to most in the next 6 weeks?
so you think u can dance show! and um..that may be it? eek

Q. What's annoying you right now?
my scalp

Q. What's the last movie you saw?
i cant recall, probably wedding crashers

Q. Do you believe in long distance relationships?:
i dunno, never tried

Q Where is the last place you went?:
to uncle serges house

Q: Who is the last person you called?:
ryan

Q: Been cheated on?:
no

Q: Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
yes

Choose one to have (love, beauty, creativity):
love

Q: Do you wish on stars?:
yes

Q: Does it work?:
sometimes

Q: Do you untie your shoes every time you take them of:
no

Q: When did you last cry?
yesterday

Q: Do you like your handwriting?
sometimes

Q: Are you a friendly person?
if i like you

Q: Are you keeping a secret from the world?
i dont think so, i think i tell different people different secrets so the world knows me

Q: Who's bed did you sleep in last night?
my big pink one

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
navy blue, usdan 03 shirt!

Q: Do you have any pets?
no

Q: What were you doing at 9 last night?
finishing dessert

Q: last person you talked to?
mom

Q: When is the last time you saw your dad?
last night

Q: Ever cried yourself to sleep?
too much

Q: Ever cried on your friends shoulder?
yes

Q: Are you a normally happy person?
i think i used to be

Q: What color are your eyes?
hazel

Q: Long or Short Hair:
long

Q: Last song you heard on the radio?:
wind beneath my wings on 106.7

Q: Current Music?
show me the money by petey pablo lol

Im home, its weird coming back home and being excited to feel home again but its never going to happen again for me, ill never be back to my childhood place again where i was so comfortable and safe. I feel so bad seeing how shes living alone and Im practically all she has and she has sent me away to live somewhere away for most of the year, it kills me, i wish i lived here, i like binghamtons school though and people but i wish it was right here in the city..this really never gets easier, its been exactly a year and i still cry about it the same and feel that punch in my stomach whenever i think of it..it was exactly after rosh hashanah dinner last year that the news was out, i think of it before i go to bed a lot and cry myself to sleep, i dont know why it just pops in my head, and looking around the table at everyone crying..its the worst, i miss my home and my family. and i know my dad reads this sometimes and im sorry if you read this and feel bad but i needed to write out how i felt because id rather not talk about it. im sorry, i feel like i always have issues and im so complicated..and i cant just be happy with what i have, with who i have, i have to want more, and i feel bad, but the things i go after also serve as a distraction and i need it and i get sucked it like a drug but minus any type of drink or drug, and im so happy one minute and so upset the next, always extremes with me..well.. happy new year..

Its my first one year anniversary ever! I always had a 2 month thing, which was totally unintentional, i duno but i do know that me and ryan are officially one year and im so happy and in love, its wonderful<3 and i got sex and the city series on dvd!! yayyyyyyy<3 ok gtg get the laundry and then get ready for our italian dinner..this would be 12 times better if it was in the city, how i miss it..but its still good, yay<3

The 50 Question Girl Survey

1. How many pairs of shoes do you have? maybe thirty something?..hey its a lot of old navy flip flops that you have to buy in twos because u get a discount!

2. How many of those are heels? like 4. i cant walk in them though

3. What jewelry did you wear today? my necklaces and ring

4. What kind of underwear do you prefer? victorias secret..and pretty ones

5. Do you have a jewelry box? yess

6. Do you dye your hair? once,it was nice and easy.. lol

7. What is in your CD player right now? cheyenne

8. When is the next time you plan on going to the club? ill prob be out this weekend, not technically to a club though

9. What is your favorite color? pink!

10. What are you wearing? grey leggings and a white tee shirt

11. What makeup do you wear? eyeliner

12. Do you have a lot of candles in your room? its illegal in the dorms

13. What perfume do you wear? i will soon be investing in my scent

14. What purse did you carry today? pink h&m for school

15. Who's your favorite character on Sex and the City? charlotte harry smith steve carrie sam miranda.. i love them all im sorry that was really hard

16. Do you have a job? no

17. Team Kristin or Team LC? kristin!

18. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? jennifer aniston of coursee

19. What did you buy last time you went shopping? probably something gap lol

20. Do you own anything by Vera Bradley? no

21. Is your cell phone with you at all times? yes

22. Do you own Chanel glasses? i wish..

23. When was the last time you wore a dress? canada wedding

24. Straight hair or curly hair? straight

25. What is your favorite magazine? cosmo

26. California or New York? NEW YORKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK<3

27. Do you keep up with celebrity gossip? usually

28. Do you diet or exercise? just dance

29. Did you play with Barbies when you were little? all the time!!

30. Do you go to the tanning bed? no cancer in a box

31. Did you ever own a Spice Girls CD? no just the tapes

32. If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be? my hair would be like it could have been

33. Do you post bulletins asking people to comment on your pictures? sometimes just informing them that there are pics

34. Did you ever take dance, gymnastics, or cheerleading? all of the above lol

35. Have you ever been in a pageant? no little miss sunshine for me

36. Have you ever modeled? no but ive been approached to and didnt do it if that counts

37. What is your favorite sport? um i like soccer baseball and basketball, mostly to watch though i dont think im good

38. Do you get manicures and pedicures often? no

39. Do you believe in love at first sight? yes

40. Do you like bubble baths? mhm

41. Do you look like anyone famous? penelope cruz..nelly furtado..anne hathaway in the ella enchanted ad

42. Favorite Movie? rent little mermaid and any typical dance movie

43. Is Cosmopolitan your Bible? no.. lol

44. What color are your toes painted right now? light pink

45. Are you a daddy's girl? yeahh

46. What color is your bedroom? pink

47. Do you already have your wedding planned out? somee

48. Do you make wishes at 11:11? yes

49. Do you prefer football players or baseball players? baseball

50. Do you think you are girly? after this i think so lol

ok i freakin love cheyenne. everyones making fun of me but the cd is so good and hangin on is like the perfect song.

today was my last day at gap, i was soo happy and everyone was telling me how wonderful i am and how much i am loved and all that good stuff and it was so nice, i love those employees there, im so lucky i get to work there. except i have like nothing to show for my whole summer of working because i spend what i make on clothes. but i love my new clothes and i needed them to pick me up this summer when i was down from being thrown into this place that is supposed to be home when its missing so much..

but im really excited for school, ill miss momz and pops but im really excited to dance again and have classes and wear my new clothes and be studious and chill with my hot brooklyn roomie and be with ryan whenever i want.. oh and eat the wraps and paninis and pancakes in the dining hall.. mmmmmm. i will miss pizza though, thats about it lol.

im going to be so busy til classes omg. ok so get this. tomorrow shopping with dad to finish getting school stuff, sat is my ryan day, sunday is andrea/city, monday is doctors and then packing up everything for school. tuesday canada with uncle serge and dad, im so excited i love these guys..then wednesday is the huge moroccan wedding..thursday breakfast and come home to finish packing at night, friday wake up at the crack of ass to get to bing and unpack, then sat 9-5 im doing this wonderfully random dance intensive at bing with people from broadway, and then the same on sunday 9-5.. and im expected to be at parties these nights as well, and then monday im thrown into running around trying to change my schedule so its ideal and i have no friday or 830 classes and then maybe in about 2 weeks ill be about to breath for a second. and i cant wait to start rechoreographing my billy joel dance for childrens dance theater and have ppl audition for me, how awesome. and i better make dance team again or ill cry.

so yeah im so tired i dont know why im writing i just had to like excited vent.. ahhh

and today was ryan and my's 11 month. i totally forgot because i keep thinking omg its almost september 17 and ive been with this guy for a year. and he remembered this one too, good boy :) wow what the hell, im ms. lets go out but only for 2 months..lol oh ryan, how i love thee.

i need to dance.

goodnite<3

i really like my new icon, i have about a million mimi ones stored up so stay tuned for those. so today my mom woke me up and convinced me to eat a greek salad for breakfast outside this restaurant down the block because it was gorgeous out. then i got my much needed toiletries for school. then andrea came over and we ate yummy pizza and saw step up and i looved it. it was totally a mix of center stage, fame, and save the last dance but i loved it as predicted. id like to own that dvd asap. step knee step fan kick step turn ball change look. lol thats sooo going in my billy joel dance. anyway im excited for school its weird. i know ill be homesick like 2 seconds after getting there but i should be busy enough. im dreading like packing and unpacking and getting organized and petitioning classes but bing is wonderful so its worth it. and im vicariously excited for andrea living a year behind me lol. ryan gave me a cold, he sucks. so im all stuffy and blahhhh. i miss the chicken wraps at school, is that weird? yea, it is, isnt it. i cannot get enough of rachael ray and the food network, and its weird because i dont even have the slightest desire to cook so im trying to figure myself out here. oh well.. oh and im having the hugest dilemma with bedding and bath items for school, its really causing a lot of stress. oh and sasha is amazing he made a dvd of his pics and video footage from israel and its so cute, it has when we first met at the gate at the airport and he told us he was black and mexican and 22 and we believed him lol and it has us on the camel cuz he was in the back of me when we were on our precious stewie, aww camels, theyre so grossly adorable.. my gap in my teeth was coming back slowly over the past year so i have my retainer in now and it was so hard to get on again because my mouth turned to a different shape but its on and its gonna start killing my mouth soon so i cant fall asleep with it in, im too blah and sniffley and stressed over blankets to fall asleep anyway. oh and i totally just thought tomorrow was sunday and its not. ok goodnite!

achoo

I cant believe summer is almost over, it went so fast, and so did freshman year. I feel like Im gonna hate not being a freshman, it was a nice label lol. I just got back from Lisa in Florida, good times, but so glad to be home and to see my family and ryan. I missed them a lot. So now I have to go shopping for some stuff for school, get some pictures developed so I can fill the pretty princess album my mom got me, and try and earn money so Im not completely broke. someone once said in some anne hathaway movie i think, is that what defines a person is how they rise after a fall, i think im doing pretty well considering stuff going on around here.. moving on, i miss ryan again..he got to get off work a little early so we spent a few hours together last night but now he works all day today and tomorrow which blows. tonight im having dinner with dad, i think i want italian. and tomorrow im going in for my last big gap shopping experience of the summer because there were way too many purchases made at that store. im scared to see and love all the new clothes that came in while i was away. its good to be back in ny, i wanna go take a bway dance class soon and see some sort of show before im back in bing, which im not completely dreading at all, its gonna be fun. all righty, no day but today, summers almost over!

thank you frank sinatra school of the arts. now every time i have to write a research paper in college and make my own thesis, it always has something to do with the arts or artists or aesthetics, so thank you for making every paper and every presentation ever on the arts in hs because it has involuntarily carried itself over to college.

RYAN(12:56:33 AM): i may not be perfect but i love you

ive been complaining a lot to him just cuz im stressed and like to have something to be angry about and like they say in sisterhood, its easy to get mad at people who u know love u no matter what so ive been bitching him out randomly lately and saying how he used to be so much sweeter and such a good boy but hes well aware of his change and hes trying to get back to goodboy ryan, for me, and hes doing well so far, binghamton is bad for people lol, home is where its at, in 6 days, if i ever make it through these finals alive....


oh and ps, i got tan in binghamton today. who knew?

Its almost 1am. almost 1am and 2 minutes and 3 seconds aka 01:02:03 04/05/06. haha thank u lisa, i am continually amused. it will never happen again ahhhh. anyway, me and ry just had a cinderella moment and its just like so good, we are so similar personality wise but different enough that we can keep each other on track and are still interesting to one another and can help one another, its so nice, im really so lucky to have him here and to have him, period. speaking of, i feel like poo and i dont like my roomie and she therefore thinks im some sort of headcase for not talking to her and for sleeping a lot. im a teenager, its what we doooo. catty girls need to just not be. and she is catty and connecticutty. hmm.. this weekend i went to cuse, saw nikki! it was fab, i missed her a lot and it was so nice to see her in her niche. i shopped an obscene amount in that amazing mall and am very happy due to my material items. what can i say, we are living in a material world and i am a material girl. omg i cannot wait for summer, like ive never wanted summer so bad, ill be all settled in my new beautiful ballerina pink room, ill be making money, getting a math class over with, going to the beach, getting tan and pretty, wearing and using my new purchases, being with the fam, seeing friends, relaxing sun, and florida with my sisterhood! and DISNEY! my first disneyworld experience, wow i am soooo gonna be bawling ahhh i cant wait! ok i was at disney world as a baby but dont remember and was at disney land when i was 5 cuz i won a trip and hardly remember anything, just a feeling of magic mostly. yea i know cheesey but i swearrrrrr! so i have a major and i feel better academically, more secure..such a capricorn lol and i will either be a writer or editor for vogue or some such magazine or a public relations marketing type person for broadway. in the city of course. and ill try out for the movin out revival and be brenda and lisa will be judy and andrea will be some famous cabaret singer/comedian. and we will live in the cutest little loft and be like rent, bff wise, not disease wise. k? k! :) anyway,moral of the story im in love with him and i love it and i love my best friends and the city and shopping. goodnight!

i dont think i have any friends. but i dont think its my fault. i just cant stand to be around anyone here for that long of a time. i need family to ground me and i dont have that here. i miss my city and real life. syracuse at least this weekend, change of scene and seeing nikki!! :) i just won an ebay bag, i rock, cuz i almost lost cuz this biatch tried to beat me with 2 minutes left and i got her back, ohhhhhhh. im declaring a major/minor tomorrow. college.. shiiit..i hope i make a lot of money, or make a decent amount and fall in love and marry some rich amazing man and live in the city always and always..all righty, more sex and the city, episode 4 of tonight, it gets me thru.

peace and lovey

BORED in binghamton... savveeee me...!!!!!!!!!!!

It is so strange being home. I'm craving to go back to school yet dreading leaving. Hating my parents for what they are doing yet loving them so much it kills me to think of how hard this is on them. It is so hard to grasp that after tomorrow, I'll never be back here in this piece of construction in Bay Terrace Condominiums that I've known and loved as my home for the past 19 years. It has been incredible having my best friends 5 houses down, learning to ride my bike in the circle, falling off my bike in the circle and almost losing some teeth, begging my parents to play tag outside longer, loving the boys who were obsessed with me and how they wouldn't stop screaming outside my window, playing ghostwriter and finding clues in my backyard, never finding parking, being subconciously scared of walking past the bushes by my house bc of a fear that with one push of my brothers arm, I'd be over in the dirt..And then everything inside of here. Just having a room next to my brothers, and just down the hall from my parents room where they slept in the same comfy bed, and just the security from all this and having everyone together. The dinners where everything would seem funny and then immediately after being in the best mood that I cannot even explain so I would have to go upstairs put on my little tutu that I had since forever and blast music and dance with my brother. It's been fun, it really has. And my little room that I always complained about but secretly loved to death as it was my haven, my dance space, my crying space, my adventure space, my playroom, my bedroom, and just the most precious corner of the earth..well in my opinion at least..Oh how I love this place. A big part of loving this place was the family in it too. And I know I still have it, just in different places. It is so crazy because before college I was so scared to go, thinking my childhood is gone forever, crying laying in bed falling asleep while watching friends because I thought it would never be like this again. To my delight I was able to come home from college and still have it all, I still lived here unlike I thought. Now its really all over with this place. Packing was so hard, it was like I uncovered my childhood and just threw it away, literally. And I've been doing that with some friends too, just not knowing how to deal with them so kind of throwing them away, except in a much less dramatic sense. That was pretty mean of me, sorry. I don't know what I would do without my friends in this, you know who you are. Just asking if I'm okay, or just telling me that it really will be okay because when you say that I truly believe you. And I know I've been a little unlike myself since this all happened and thanks for dealing with that, it means a lot. Like yesterday me and Ryan went out and usually once I see him I'm not upset, I forget my troubles and we just have a good time, except yesterday it was taking every inch of me not to break out and cry. And I didn't want to, no one has ever seen me cry cry like that, and I knew that is what would happen if I answered to his incessant questioning of what was wrong. I'm so bad at hiding that kind of stuff. So I was just kind of bitchy to him and he put up with it as confused and angry and frustrated as he was and later he knew and said "You're gonna miss this place aren't you." And then I cried, a little, but I did and he was there and knew just how to hold me and tell me that its okay and it was really nice to have that. There is just so much guilt I feel too. Not like any of this is my fault, I know that, I do. Just I feel so bad that my parents are going to be alone. Like my mom especially because when I am at school, it is just her. I feel horrible about that. And my dad, I don't want him to not know where to buy his shirts and sox and food from. I mean I know they'll both survive, its just this huge change. It is so hard to grasp the fact that once I leave here for Binghamton on Saturday morning, I'll never have this house to come home to, or a family all together to come home to, and there is nothing at all that I can do over it and if you know me at all, you know that I am a quiet control freak. Not like omg I'm Monica Gellar and I'll freak out if you don't use a coaster, just like in my life in general I need everything organized and I need plans and therefore control. With this situation, thats it, it is what it is, which sucks, but it is what has to happen. I'm scared of missing here and missing having a family in one place but I know even though I don't see how, it will be okay and.. yeah..